Sofa King Crazy
by Chibi Psycho-Pyro
Summary: A perfect flaming fic! Plz read, soon up, things that tick off the Harry Potter Characers! *swearing* Harry Potter is UP!!!*** Next, Draco Malfoy! then Hermione!
1. Me, THE AUTHOR!~!~!

Some Things I Hate:

Things that piss me off are:

People who say that Hermione and Ron from Harry Potter BELONG together. People who think that Ginny Weasley and Harry Potter BELONG together from Harry Potter. People who hate Draco Malfoy..... Now THAT is just plain WRONG! People who think I'm sane. Close minded people. People who tell me that they are scared for me and will do their best to PRAY for my SATANIC ways... (I'm Wiccan.) Idiots who flame me... YOU ALL SHALL DIE!!! Squirrel-Haters People who go around saying that it's "Odd how you always find something in the last place you look." No shit SHERLOCK. Der... No, I found my fucking remote... SO I'll GO LOOK FOR IT SOME MORE! Duh! People who hate homosexuals. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM YOU RETARDS! (Sorry to any mentally handicapped people out there.... bad-habit, I know.) People who lie and think that just because I *say* that I agree with them so they will shut up, think I'm gullible. People who call people "gay" because they think what they're doing is "ghetto", another word that is stupid. It's called a SPELL CHECK people! A SPELL CHECK! People who get pissed off because I'm blunt. People who think they are better than me... (jk) Better than anyone really. Things that read: AS SEEN ON TV. They annoy the HELL out of me. Anyone who says that this was stupid to write, YOU CAN BLOW YOURSELVES!!!!! American Cheese Slices on wheat bread... I don't know why..... But they do. Stupid people who act superior to me. (Doesn't that bug the hell out of you all?) Boyfriends. They SUCK. Especially when they DUMP you. Dognappers.... DIE! ALL OF YOU!!! It is a horrid thing to steal someone's poor dog, I should know, someone stole MY dog..... Stupid bitch/bastard. People who act like me. I don't know how ANYONE puts up with me.... God, people like me are FLIPPING ANNOYING!!!! H/H haters. H/D haters. D/Hr haters. People who's first language is ENGLISH, and DO NOT USE PROPER GRAMMAR IN THEIR FICS! And lastly for NOW, People who bug me because not all of this is HP. 

Next chappy up soon! BTW: Courtesy of my best friend, Missie Lupin (HP name), say "I'm Sofa King Crazy" as fast as possible over and over again...... tell me what you hear in your review..... Funny eh? (It's about me and Missie!)


	2. HARRY POTTER.... and MUSTARD.... (dumDum...

Things That Piss Me Off, by Harry Potter.
    
    Draco flipping Malfoy. Seriously, can't he get a life and stop ruining MINE?
    Voldemort. Need I say more?
    Trelawney and her "groupies". Okay... Professor? If I was dead about 637 times now....
    then shouldn't I be a ghost? Solid. Duh.
    Going to grab a nice red Every Flavour Bean, thinking it will be strawberry, and ending
    up with Christmas candlewax.
    Cupboards.
    This damn author who makes me sound like a whiny teenage girl and-
    

The author who cut me off.

Dementors, of course.

Rats.....
    
    Snape. And if you do not realize as to why, then you are even stupider than I thought.
    You were stupid for first coming to read this fic... but now... *shakes head*
    

When Ron goes into one of his jealous fits.

When people act like I'm something special.

People who gawk at my damn scar.

Snape, Malfoy and Voldemort.

Hermione's know-it-all phases, she sort of creeps me out with _Hogwarts, a History_.

Aunt Marge and Ripper

Garfield from that cartoon snip in the newspaper.... That cat has problems...

The damn author for making me do this thing...

Mustard. Don't ask.

Did I mention Voldemort Malfoy and Snape?

P.s. give me a few pointers and please review, lame, yes, I know. Do I honestly care? No.


	3. HERMIONE GRANGER.... Mustard as well? Wh...

DUDES!!! ^.^  
  
  
  
This is like my suckiest fic EVER ritten, and yet I'm getting TONS of reviews! DUDES! YOU ROCK!  
  
  
  
Now, so this isn't categorized as a "LIST", here's some of the fic part.  
  
  
  
BTW: This compy does NOT have a spell check, i recently moved. So I am AHEAD OF TIME, apologizing for my errors since I hate to edit.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Hermione peered over her best friends shoulder as he wrote down a list. Hermione kept insisting that it was good to vent. That is, of course, until she read it over and saw the line that read, "Hermione's know-it-all phases, she sort of creeps me out with 'Hogwarts, a History'." She promptly smacked him upside the head for that remark, frowning.  
  
"I am NOT a know-it-all," she said smugly. Harry gave her a big grin.  
  
"Suuuuuure."  
  
"Oooooh! Harry POTTER! That's IT! I'm going to get you for this!" Hermione screamed as loudly as she could, disrupting many... er... I mean ALL of the people in the Common Room. Harry quickly adopted a very scared look and dashed out of the portrait hole.  
  
"GET ME OUTTA' HERE!!!!!" Hermione grinned as Harry, the oh-so-brave Harry who had faced Voldemort four times and still lived, was running away, afraid of a little fifth year girl.  
  
Deciding that the list was a supremeidea, she set to work on her own:  
  
  
  
List of Things That Annoy Me, by Hermione Granger.  
  
1) When Malfoy is an insensitive pr- er... jerk.  
  
2) When Ron is acting too stupid to notice that I am a GIRL, not JUST a friend with no gender whatsoever. I HAVE feelings.  
  
3) Professor Trelawney.  
  
4) Mustard. I really can't say why.... Harry knows. [At this point Hermione is blushing wildly.]  
  
5) Divination nuts like Lavender and Parvati.  
  
6) When Ron acts like schoolwork isn't a big deal.  
  
7) When Harry finds Quidditch more interesting than anything else.  
  
8) Boggarts. most DEFINITELY Boggarts.  
  
9) Rude people.  
  
10) When Ron throws one of his immature little temper tantrums over Draco Malfoy. I don't see why he doesn't just IGNORE the git.  
  
  
  
Hermione put her pen down, sighing. She had two others that she wanted to put dowen, but it annoyed her SO much when a list wasn't balanced. A list of twelve? That hardly sounded neat and tidy. So she would just had to deal with not writing them at all. hermione headed downstairs to the library and started to read a few books. Unbeknongst to her, she had dropped the collective list of Harry's 'Annoyed' list, their friend 'CP's list, and Hermione on the floor where Draco Malfoy oh-so convieniently picked it up. 


	4. DRACO MALFOY... Juliana! GO AWAY! ... AN...

Oh, I love ALL of you reviewers! Even the losers who flame me! ^.^  
  
And YES, you all WILL be finding out what the deal with mustard is. *cackles evilly* But I warn you, it's sort of nasty. *giggles* Sort of. Let's put it this way, during the summer, Hermione's mother handed Hermione a htdog with mustard on it and Hermione gave it a wide eyed look, turned green, and ran out of the house, hyperventilating.  
  
But, it will be explained, REALLY. If not in this fic, than in a side fic for this. Heh heh!  
  
  
  
  
  
Also, I am bursting out laughing at the fact that a reviewer by the name of 'Sarah', decided to tell me to go to a Christian site to 'do myself and everyone a favor'. Sorry, But I don't swing that way. *falls on the floor giggling* But the site DOES have cool graphics! ^.^  
  
  
  
In the list when there are (these), then Draco is still writing that. When there are [these], then that is what is going on.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Draco leaned over, giving all of us Draco-Worshippers a great view of his a- uh.... let me get back to the story, eh? Draco picked up the piece of paper with writing all over it.  
  
'Things That Annoy Me and My Friends (aka Sofa King Crazy - say that five times fast)' 'By: Chibi Psyco-Pyro (aka Juliana Black)'  
  
Draco snorted. Juli was up to her old tricks again. He glanced down at the paper and noticed that Potter and Granger's lists were on there as well.  
  
"Hmmm... no Weasel eh?" Draco thought of how Juliana never liked Weasley, and just assumed that she told Potter and Granger not to let him know about the list.  
  
  
  
"Draco!" He immediately looked up at the sound of his name. It was Juliana, her short black hair was up in two french braids in the back of her head and Draco thought she looked adorable.  
  
'For a Gryffindor', he reminded himself.  
  
"Hey Jewlz, what are you doing?" he asked his friend. She just grinned widely and pointed at the parchment in his hand.  
  
"Looking for my list. Wanna' have a crack at it?" Her eyes glimmered at the suggestion, knowing that if Draco wrote down every little thing that bothered him it would take at least five dozen feet of parchment.  
  
"Sure," he agreed and sat down at one of the library tables. He started to rummage through his bag for a quill when she handed him a muggle pen. With green feathers at the top.  
  
"You know, for a Gryffindor you sure have a thing for the colors green and silver." Draco smiled at her. It was true. At the begining of the year she had dyed her hair green with silver bangs and whenever she went to Hogsmeade she only wore these tight, glittery, silver pants and a green halter top. At least when it was spring. In the winter she wore her green cloak and a green turtleneck.  
  
"What can say? They've been my favorite colors since I was young," she said shrugging. "Now write, but I'm only letting you write ten. Only the gods know how long this will be if I let you write more than that."  
  
  
  
  
  
What Pisses Me Off by Draco Malfoy 'The hottest guy in Hogwarts' (That last part was added on by Jewlz.)  
  
  
  
* People who automatically assume that, since I'm a Slytherin, that I'm evil.  
  
* This damned pen. It tickles my hand.  
  
* Juliana's damn muggle music. [For this, Juli hit him on the shoulder. "I'll have you know that it's YOUR crappy music that sucks!" she glared at him.]  
  
* Golden Boy. ["I swear Draco! You'd probably end up as friends with a sewer rat sooner than my god-brother!"]  
  
* Dumbledore. (And you writers accuse each other of making sucky Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus. Look at Dumbledore.)  
  
* Longbottom. Can't he EVER come to a Potions class without blowing SOMETHING up?  
  
* ["You haven't put down 'Mustard' yet," Juliana reminded him. Draco contested with, "Yes, but that doesn't piss me off. It just embarrasses me."]  
  
* Professor Trelawney. One would think predicting that I would "suddenly turns into various colors the next day", in FRONT of the Weasley twins, would gaurentee that it would happen.  
  
* One time, Juli got a superman cloak for Missie Lupin. on the tag was a warning: 'Warning, cape does not enable user to fly.'  
  
* Missie Lupin in general. [Draco recieved a small tug at his 'perfect' hair for that remark.]  
  
* When-  
  
  
  
"Nope! That's ten! No more for YOU Drakie!" Juliana frowned at him.  
  
"Numer eleven. When Juliana calls me 'Drakie'. There, at least the readers now know," Draco said smugly. Juliana burned red.  
  
"Oooooh! You really PISS ME OFF DRACO MALFOY!"  
  
"I know."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Ok, in the next chapter: Explanations of WHO Juliana and Missie Lupin are.  
  
I NEED FUNNY SUGGESTIONS OF WHAT ANNOYS/PISSES OFF: Oliver Wood, Tom Riddle, Prof. Snape, and Dumbledore.  
  
BESIDES THE OBVIOUS! Thankiez! ^.^ 


	5. The LONG awaited... MUSTARD INCIDENT!!!

Now, this may sound slightly off of my style... maybe not. But I'm gunna try to use some writing techniques off the Eoin Colfer, the author of ARTEMIS FOWL and also ARTEMIS FOWL: The Artic Incident. [[A/n inside my A/n: INCIDENT! WOOHOO! MY SPECIALTY!!!]]  
  
Both are AWESOME books, and if you luvvle (love ^.^) Draco Malfoy in the HP books, you'll love Artemis Fowl. The first sentance on the back of the first book reads: "Twelve-year-old Artemis Fowl is a millionaire, a genius- and, above all, a criminal mastermind." - Quote: 'Artemis Fowl'; E. Colfer.  
  
Anyway, I'm not here to advertise books. I'm here to write a fic!  
  
  
  
REMEMBER!  
  
Yo no have-o el spell-check-o. ^.~  
  
Yo no own-o either. You no sue-o me. Comprende?  
  
Do I sound like I care if you comprende or not? I hope not.  
  
Because I don't.  
  
^.^  
  
OKAY! QUIT THE BANTER! ONTO THE FIC!  
  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::  
  
  
  
THE MUSTARD INCIDENT! ... dumDumDUM! (finally!)  
  
  
  
  
  
I WAS going to do a 'PG-13' MUSTARD INCIDENT and an 'R' rated MUSTARD INCIDENT. This one took so so long to type that I decided to screw the 'R' rated one [A/n: NOT LITERALLY YOU SICK F***S!] so you're all stuck with my 'PG' rendition of the MUSTARD INCIDENT.  
  
  
  
"Ack! Harry! Don't DO that!" Hermione squealed as sixteen-year-old Harry Potter sprayed liberal amounts of hose water at the shrieking teenager. It was August, and Juliana Black and Missie Lupin insisted on having an end-of- the-summer party. Missie had insisted that Hermione and Draco Malfoy not be invited, but Juliana would have none of it. Juliana and Draco had been dating and she told Missie that under no circumstances would Draco be left out of the festivities. Juliana also pointed out that Hermione WAS, after all, best friends with Harry, who just so happened to be Missie's boyfriend after much wheedling with her Uncle Remus to let her date. So Missie relented and let the two people she hated most at Hogwarts come to their party. Of course Missie, in all of her excitement forgot to point out that Ron was ALSO Harry's best friend and should be invited. (Juliana had heard what happened in their Fourth Year from Draco and she decided she hated Ron before even getting to know him.)  
  
Missie and Juliana were living with 'Uncle Moony' since they were four. Juliana had been living with the Lupins (Romulus and Nancy - Missie's parents) since the entire Wormtail-affair. When the girls were four Nancy - who was a muggle, and Romulus were killed in a road accident. They had been in an all-muggle area and had no magical assistance. So Missie and Juliana got sent to live with Remus who decided to send them to an American Wizarding Boarding School, as Missie was born in America and then the girls wouldn't have to go to Hogwarts. The American schools were much more adept in dealing with two troublemakers like Missie and Juli. Neither one could care less if they lost tons of 'points' and their classmates hated them as long as they had each other. They were closer than any sisters could be. And detentions? Please. They *loved* going to detentions, as they were merely more opportunities to cause trouble and stay up later than the curfew.  
  
In their Third Year though, Missie 'accidentaly' burnt down a portion of the school and was expelled. Luckily, when students are expelled in America, they merely make arrangements to send the Problem off to another school instead of snapping their wand unless they prove to be a real threat to society. So Remus did the logical thing. He brought both girls to Hogwarts for his second year teaching there.  
  
They loved annoying Snape.  
  
They loved annoying McGonagall.  
  
They loved annoying Remus.  
  
Actually, they loved annoying just about everyone.  
  
Especially Snape.  
  
Snape never even bothered taking off points because of them either. He felt that he should take off points from people who would enjoy it less. Detentions? Snape made sure those two stayed as far away from him as possible, since the Potions' Detention Incident[*]. Therefore all of their detentions were with Remus, who seemingly was the only professor who could properly handle the two.  
  
"What Herm? Did I get you wet? Sorry there." Harry grinned, trying to look innocent and failing spectacularly. Hermione turned so red from anger that could have probably boiled water by dipping her head in a bucket of ice. Missie bent her head, shaking with laughter at Hermione's misfortune.  
  
Juliana and Draco were both much too busy making out to notice anythings and Remus was inside grading O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s from the previous year. Once Missie had finally gotten ahold of herself and was in control of her voice after her fit of laughter, she grinned and pulled out a large cooler from under the picnic table.  
  
"FOOD TIME!" she grinned. Draco immediately lifted his bruised lips from Juliana's at the mention of food. Juliana and Missie had both agreed on hotdogs and burgers, and Draco had not ever eaten either one and couldn't wait to try them. Juliana was busy kissing his throat to notice he had stopped kissing her and was trying to catch her attention.  
  
Finally, three minutes later, around the time Missie had gotten the grill started, she lifted her head.  
  
"Hm?" Draco had to grin uncharacteristically at this. She looked around and apparantly spotted the grill. "Ooh! Food!" Typical. After a make-out session she really only spoke in one-worded sentances. She was weird that way. Maybe her tongue got tired?  
  
While trying to towel-dry her hair, Hermione was glaring daggers [A/n: OUCH! ^.^] at Harry who now had his arm draped around Missie. Juliana jumped up from her seat and ran over to Harry and Missie.  
  
"FIRE! YES!" Juliana screamed. She and Missie both liked fire. Although TECHNICALLY, Missie wasn't allowed to light any fires since Third Year, but she didn't listen to Moony. Juliana had actually been the one to set up Harry and Missie. Her god-brother and her best friend. Seemed good to her. Especially considering that Missie idolized Harry in a way that would make Ginny Weasley and Colin Creevy ashamed to say that they adore him. Of course, she merely loved him because she thought he was a god. Not because he was famous.  
  
Well.... actually, the famous bit WAS a perk to the whole 'I'm Harry Potter's Girlfriend!'. Not the main reason, but a benefit nonetheless.  
  
  
  
After dinner was cooked, Juliana developed a mishchievous and sly grin on her face. Draco, Missie, Harry, and Hermione all became apprehensive for a moment. Ten they were just down right freaked out. Well... not Missie. She was just apprehensive, and they all had a right to be. Juliana reached accross the table.  
  
"What are you doing Jewlz?" Draco asked his girlfriend. Her grin became even more apparant as she lifted up a mustard bottle.  
  
"THIS!" she shouted as she squeezed the bottle, dousing Harry with mustard, covering his glasses.  
  
"Hey Juliana!" Harry glared as he wiped the mustard from his glasses. "This means war!" he shouted as he picked up the relish bottle and opened the cover. Juliana hopped up off her seat as he squeezed out the bottle's contents and landed all over Hermione, who had been seated on one side of Juliana, and Draco on the other.  
  
Hermione quickly reacted by grabbing the barbeque sauce , squeazing it in Harry's direction. Unluckily for Missie, Hermione had REALLY bad aim, what wth relish all over her outfit she was a bit uncoordinated. Missie glowered and grabbed the ketchup. Then she promptly squeezed a bunch of it at Hermione. (Missie never really liked the girl.) Draco, of course, was looking a bit smug as he had not yet been hit with any food products until Juliana came back over to the table.  
  
"Miss me?" She now had TWO bottles of mustard in her hands, one for each limb. Juliana then decided that it was the perfect time to destroy her boyfriend's 'perfect' hair by squeezing some of the yellow condiment into the silvery strands. Draco immediately dropped the smug look as she smooshed it around on the scalp until his entire head of hair was doused in mustard.  
  
"I hate you." Draco said monotonously.  
  
"I know!" Juli chirped. [A/n: She suddenly turned into a bird??? ^.*] Draco quickly turned around, potato salad in one hand and a spoon in the other, flinging the stuff at her. All in all, by the time they ran out of things to throw and/or spray at each other, they were all completely filthy and the yard looked like a hazerdous waste dump.  
  
Sort of.  
  
ANYWAY!  
  
Draco couldn't stop griping for hours about how the mustard had severely damaged his 'perfect' hair and how the mustard particles would never come out. He sounded like someone who found out their white persian rug had a red wine spill in it, or someone who had found their one-of-a-kind- absolutely-favorite-shirt with a bleach hole in it.  
  
Remus wasn't particularly happy that he had to magic the yard clean, but he wasn't cruel enough to make the teenagers clean it up themselves.  
  
In the end, Harry now cannot look at mustard without bursting into laughter.  
  
Hermione? Well, she refuses to eat mustard after she realized that she smelled like relish. The scent didn't leave for almost a week.  
  
And Draco? Well let's just say that he was thouroughly embarassed that his hair was yellow for a few short hours.  
  
Poor him.  
  
  
  
The End! - of the MUSTARD INCIDENT that is....  
  
  
  
  
  
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[*]Detentions? Snape made sure those two stayed as far away from him as possible, since the Potions' Detention Incident.[*]  
  
Have I sparked your interest? I hope so!  
  
  
  
Look for Missie's list of things that annoy/piss her off! COMING SOON!  
  
My gahz, I sound like a movie advertisement.  
  
  
  
Also, the Potions' Detention Incident! COMING SOON!  
  
Yet again... movie commercial.  
  
  
  
PLEASE REVIEW! THEY KEEP ME WRITING! ^.^  
  
Btw: I want to say that I am absoutely AMAZED, completely ASTONISHED that I have recieved SO. MANY. REVIEWS! I swear, the last time I updated, I almost died from shock when I saw the climb in reviews! O.O  
  
SEE IF THIS TIME YOU GUYS CAN ACTUALLY KILL ME! I bet all you flamers JUST. CAN'T. WAIT!  
  
  
  
  
  
^.^ !Peace Out! ^.^ 


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